Do we really believe in giving people a second chance? Is forgiveness the responsibility of society as a whole, or are we individually responsible for giving it to others? Annette Lynn Greenwood, writer, mentor, and therapist, challenges us to look at the implications of allowing people the opportunity to ‘right their wrongs’…
Mounting clinical evidence now supports what many ancient cultures have long believed, that holding on to negative emotions like anger profoundly affects our health. By mentally living in the past, we are not free to experience the present, the mind manifests negative thought patterns that psychologically drag us down, and by continuously reviewing such negative events, we get trapped. We suffer from anxiety, depression, and other stress-related disorders, which manifest physically in the body for all to see as ulcers, high blood pressure, and often other ailments for which doctors may not have an explanation.
Spiritually we are in crisis; we are out of touch with our inner selves, feeling lost and disconnected. Inner peace is replaced by inner chaos.
Experience has taught me that there is a myth about forgiveness, it is very misunderstood. Forgiveness is seen as a sign of weakness, forgiving should mean that we are giving in, but nothing is further from the truth. Imagine how it feels to hold on to a heavy weight constantly, arms get tired, legs ache, when we mentally hold on to problems and emotions from the past, we carry the same burdens. Surely second chances and forgiveness go hand in hand, one depends on the other, which does not mean that we forget, but if all of us, as human beings, reflected on our own lives from time to time, perhaps we would not be so fast. to judge those who are willing to give others a second chance. What follows are two case studies, based on real events and people, only their names have been changed. I hope they help you judge how far we have to go as a society when it comes to allowing each other the opportunity to grow from our mistakes and help nurture a physically and morally healthier society…
off the rails
As a young man, Wayne’s middle-class family had high hopes for him. However, Wayne decided that school was not for him, he had plans to live the high life.
At home, Wayne wanted nothing except the attention and affection of a father who chose to send Wayne to his room to play with his expensive toys instead of spending time with his son. Wayne felt increasingly isolated, and in an attempt to get noticed, he began skipping school and was eventually threatened with expulsion.
His parents grounded him, but he would sneak out at night to join his new, much older friends, smoking marijuana. His behavior at his house became more irrational. He was cheeky with his mom, but in response, his dad, instead of talking to Wayne, just sent him into his room with more threats. Wayne often heard his parents arguing late into the night; his mother defending him, but his father had a different opinion. This began to sow the seeds of self-doubt in Wayne, he felt useless and he became more and more introverted.
At seventeen, Wayne’s lack of self-esteem made him easy prey for a more notorious gang. Wayne now relied solely on the gang for the support his father lacked. His mother became sick with worry; she almost expected him to be arrested. She soon got her wish. When she opened the door for the cops, who explained that Wayne was in custody for assault, she almost breathed a sigh of relief. Wayne could now change his life.
he didn’t. Wayne came home with designer clothes from expensive stores. She confronted him and was met with a tirade of abuse. She feared the worst: drugs. Wayne was repeatedly arrested on felony driving and assault charges. It was only a matter of time before he was sent to prison. The family broke up and Wayne’s parents divorced.
Wayne wanted to start over, but he was too deep into it, he was a drug dealer, which put him in a very dangerous and vulnerable position. Wayne loved his mother and decided to leave home before she got involved in his problems. He saw no way out, even considered driving the car into a tree to end his life (that would fix everything), but he couldn’t get the image of his mother out of his mind.
Desperate, Wayne confided in the one relative who hadn’t turned his back on him, telling her what a mess his life was in and how he’d thought of ending it. He had dishonored his family, hurt his mother deeply and believed there was no way he could make amends; he would accept responsibility for all the pain he had caused. He felt that the best thing for him to do was to go abroad with the money he had accumulated.
Having not slept for days, Wayne fell asleep, giving his relative the opportunity to call his mother. She was there in a matter of minutes. Looking at her sleeping son of hers, she wanted to cradle him in her arms, tell him that everything was going to be okay, regardless of what she had done. Love flooded his heart. She knew that what he had done was very wrong and she did not approve of it. She could call the police to have him arrested; after all, he was supplying drugs to innocent people, even children. She then remembered how she had forgiven him when he had misbehaved as a child, she remembered doing things she shouldn’t have done, that she wasn’t perfect. She recalled her husband repeatedly sending Wayne into her bedroom to play alone; Wayne never got the love he longed for. Part of the responsibility was theirs, as parents. Wayne’s future was in her hands.
As Wayne’s eyes began to open, he winced when he saw his mother’s anguished face: had she caused this? He got up to run, but his words stopped him in his tracks: “Wayne, I love you, I forgive you, let me help you.” Wayne had been given a second chance, she had found it in her heart to forgive him.
Years later, Wayne’s life is very different. Now married, he is a proud father, runs his own successful business, and regularly returns to see his mother and his family. Unfortunately, he and his father never managed to rebuild their relationship. Wayne’s father wouldn’t give him a second chance, he wouldn’t let him go, he held onto the event in his mind and continually revisited it. He refused to forgive his son and kept alive all the resentment he felt towards him. He didn’t realize that by giving Wayne he would also free him.
Behind bars
My new case was Kelly, a 21-year-old prostitute. She had been convicted of prostitution and robbery. In the interview room I was greeted by a small elf-like woman, surprisingly pretty and with a warm smile. An image of what a prostitute would look like had flashed through my head, and it wasn’t this! I introduced myself to Kelly and explained that she was going to be her coach and that I would help her, in any way she could, to accept the life sentence and the charges that had brought her here. Kelly told me that she was going to serve two years for prostitution and robbery; she did not deny the offenses. I asked her what had brought her to this.
Kelly, who had three young children, had been abandoned by her partner, who was secretly making money handling stolen goods. As soon as she had enough money, she left.
Kelly described that time: “I had to make money. Our apartment belonged to a friend of Dave’s and as soon as Dave made a bunk bed they kicked us out. The kids are little, four-year-old twins and a one-year-old. old caravan of some travelers in a wasteland, without money for food or diapers, they had never seen their grandchildren.
I stole food for my children, diapers for the baby. I had never done anything like this before. He didn’t have a fixed address so he couldn’t make any profit. I was afraid for my children; I didn’t want them to be taken away from me. At first I hated myself, but I became desensitized to everything.”
Sitting there, I wondered where we had gone wrong as a society. At some point we had let Kelly down. She already felt isolated from her parents and now she had to live with the stigma of what she had done. Kelly went on to explain: “Things got more difficult as the weather got colder, I needed to heat the place and I had lost over five pounds in weight. Locally owned I learned to live off scraps and scraps.
One night a guy offered me twenty pounds if I had sex with him. I thought of what that would buy for my babies; food, heat for the caravan, maybe some clothes from the charity shop for me. It was over in minutes, I closed my eyes as he growled on top of me. Afterwards I felt cheap and dirty, but in the back of my mind were the hungry faces of my children. I quickly realized that I could make a living like this, no one was going to help me, so I had to help myself and I was responsible for three innocent lives. I prayed every night that one day my parents would forgive me and we could start over as a family. I honestly believed that one day they would understand why I was doing this. In the meantime, however, I felt I had no choice. Soon I was arrested, someone had seen me. I was accused of prostitution and robbery; I was sentenced to four years in prison reduced to two.
My parents are taking care of my children. If anything good can come of this, it has to be that. When my parents came to see me, my mother was horrified, she thought she had anorexia, she had lost so much weight. My children do not know where I am; they think I’m working away for a while. I don’t want them to happen anymore.”
I suggested to Kelly that in prison she could reflect on her life and I could help her look to the future, it might not happen overnight but we could gradually change things. During the many months that we worked together, Kelly began to grow and develop as a person, her self-esteem levels increased. The challenge we faced was how would society view her once she got out of prison, was she a bad mother? She fed and clothed her children with the only means she knew how. I had to prepare her for the barriers she would encounter.
Her parents visited her regularly and slowly approached her. Kelly and her children were to return and live with them. Kelly would start her education, get some qualifications and try to get a fresh start on her life. I was left wondering if we had the right to point fingers at another human being who had seen no other way out, who, in her opinion, had done what was best for her children. Should we be more tolerant with more understanding in cases like this, should we give the Kellys of this world a second chance?
