Become perfect just as your father in heaven is perfect. This is how he narrates the words of the rabbi messiah to his students. While this is the noblest of aspirations, it sometimes helps to know that no one on earth has yet reached this level of sainthood; especially when one may be called upon to question the failings of others.
The human machine is often found to be a complex configuration to navigate. And while it’s textbook knowledge that former addicts retain an addictive personality whether they’re active or dry, it’s another matter to see how behavior plays out with someone who is a church leader and pastor. What should be made very clear is that although a substance addict may be in recovery and dry, such a person may still have an addictive personality trait that may be, in all things, a pendulum swinging to the positive or negative. the negative, and with any of the two values. serving to reflect the character.
Dry addicts also tend to have a codependent personality. So when you’re the pastor of a church, surprisingly codependency can become somewhat institutionalized. How does this play out? Yes, you guessed it. Such a person will tend to have a codependent style of supervising his parishioners. One definition of a codependent person is that “Someone who is unable to function from their innate self and instead organizes thought and behavior around a substance, process, or people.” (Darlene Lancer, Codependency).
Lancer, a self-confessed codependent in recovery, explains that to understand this rare disorder, “one approach looks at the whole family and family system, finding that dysfunctional family dynamics could contribute to codependency.” Is a codependent person more likely to be aware of the tangled web of destructiveness that results from neurosis? No, not necessarily. Lancer further explains that “codependency is cunning and powerful. You may not realize it’s the root of the problem in your relationship.”
Codependent pastors tend to be insecure and always excessively seek friendship and reciprocity from a certain group in their congregation. So instead of being a supervisor with a fatherly, pastor-like behavior, they tend to look in their church for those with whom they can become friends, and who will be friends with them; and for that expect to have “yes-man” loyalty as a result.
Those who gullibly succumb to the influence of this kind of herding are likely to do well on the front lines of such leadership, while others remain on neutral ground; neutrals are sometimes uncomfortable, because over time they can be seen as, and ostracized, enemies. Codependents need to control those close to them because they need other people to behave in a certain way in order to feel good.
The best clue that identifies this type of leader is their stated preference to be addressed by their first name. One must be wary of some pastors who want or prefer parishioners to address them by first name. It is a sure sign that they are not comfortable with the role and demands of a pastor, because that role is emotionally and psychologically more than they are willing or able to take on.
Codependent pastors, knowingly or unknowingly, foster an atmosphere of mutual codependency when neurosis is transferred through a constant and repeated relationship between pastor and parishioners where the main stake is loyalty: the pastor is afraid of losing a member /friend and the member does not want to hurt anyone or betray trust. Codependent pastors, in sermons, tend to repeat the same tragic life stories over and over again in order to build sympathy and reinforce the comfort zone, when what is really needed is for him or her to let go of the past. past and develop the sanctification that helps you migrate from fear to faith.
When the codependency turns mutual, the pastor/parishioner relationship begins to sway. And only time will tell before front line leadership etc. he will awaken from mesmerism; and realize that something is terribly wrong. Then it’s time to confront the pastor. Confrontation at this point is never very good, as the codependent pattern will likely change from passive to aggressive, and the member or elder will most likely leave.
Another trait of the codependent pastor is manipulation. The need to manipulate situations is an addict’s inclination; a common ploy even for the dry addict, apparently due to a bygone need to obtain and administer a quick fix in any way possible, and to be able to mask the operation with clever manipulation to make it appear like a legitimate operation and executable. mill action.
What often happens with the codependent pastor is that when the moment of truth arrives in the ministry, the same tactics used in the past to seek a quick fix to make him or her feel well, it’s probably useful at present as a quick fix to make him or her aspect Well, because that’s the personality trait. Looking good, by the way, has a double benefit, because when you look good you also feel good. Either way, the act can easily be identified as tampering. This is what the codependent pastor is likely to turn to when dire consequences are imminent and he needs to save face.
But the manipulation does not always work, even when the wool is completely covered from everyone’s eyes. Sometimes it backfires in simple or adverse ways. For example, in a mixed congregation, when someone is schemed and manipulated for a strategic position in the church, it can be widely inferred that it is racism, something that threatens the harmony among the saints. But the pastor is really not a racist. What he has is a neurosis, an addictive and codependent personality; that he needs to be dealt with through proper counseling and prayer.
And as the consequences multiply and increase, the time that must be devoted to evangelizing and nurturing the flock is taken by the shepherd, always watching his back and covering his tracks. This makes for a very tired shepherd and in some cases a very frustrated flock. And soon the only sure thing for the future is exhaustion. He finds himself desperately short of leaders. Now, not only is he worried, but he’s also intrigued to find a fixer. He has two options: one, pray in faith and depend on the Lord’s provision. Or two, come up with a schema and manipulate it into a solution to the problem.
This is when brilliant ideas are likely to happen. “What about having an assistant? Not just one ordained from the ranks, but an outside assistant hired for a new project, paid and appropriately named Assistant Pastor? it is the way he or she is likely to guess and plan. But there is no budget for that, much less to sell the idea to the board of elders. So such a person knows that he must plan well. He must handle it well, even if the proposition amounts to lying. But he must keep going, because if this goes through, it will solve the leadership shortage for a while. He would have a new assistant pastor friend, a paid yes-man who would be saying yes, yes, yes all the way to the bank.
But can these intrigues and manipulations be so ironclad that the true intent escapes scrutiny? That is the question. Because there is a serious danger that it could backfire, and seriously backfire. Still, for the codependent pastor, even a short fix is worth trying. Because, just like a past quick fix of a substance could make him or her feel well, this scheme in the present will make him or her aspect good for a while
Does this kind of clever maneuver disqualify the pastor from his trade when he finds out? Not necessarily. But there must be some standard of responsibility in the church. There must be an independent board of elders (ie, one in which said pastor has no vote) to carefully and prayerfully judge the matter and make the appropriate recommendation for counseling and recovery. Lancer also offers advice here by saying that “The first step to recovery is awareness.” The codependent leader must be aware of the problem on his own, or he must be informed by someone who can advise him accordingly.
As mentioned above, neurosis affects not only the health and well-being of the shepherd, but also the flock; so if the pastor’s condition continues unchecked, the cycle of events will worsen and continue to the detriment of God’s people. Fortunately, as we know, the Sovereign Lord will not allow this to happen. In time, he always sends a message through an Elijah, an Isaiah or a Daniel; that both parishioners and the pastor can hear and be inspired to pay attention to the message.
