Poor track record of the most common approaches to divorce recovery
The three most common approaches to facilitating recovery from divorce are divorce support groups, individual psychotherapy, and simply passing time.
The success of these three approaches is abysmal. Sixty-six percent of second marriages and 75% of third marriages also end in divorce. Additionally, long-term mistrust and animosity between ex-spouses is common, which does not bode well for the expected trauma-free effects of divorce on their children.
Obviously, something is wrong with the way divorce recovery is currently practiced.
The problem of not knowing what the problem is
The core problem stems from a confused understanding of the problem faced by divorced people. Is it the mental problem of depression? Is it an emotional problem to be overwhelmed by a mixture of witch feelings, including sadness, anger, disappointment, fear, pain, abandonment, resentment, bitterness, rejection, embarrassment, humiliation, embarrassment, worry, etc.? Is it impatience for the time it takes to forget the painful event?
Individual psychotherapy attempts to deal with the nebulous problem of “depression.” Divorced support groups attempt to address the nonspecific problem of “emotional disturbance.” And adherents of the passage of time approach deal with the vague problem of “not enough time has passed yet” by prescribing “let more time pass.”
None of the three approaches specifies a clearly defined problem or a clear plan of action to solve it.
What is needed is a clearly defined roadmap or plan that outlines the steps to take to resolve the issues inherent in divorce recovery.
A new approach to the problem
Recent work by this author has identified that the central problem is an almost universal tendency of divorced people to resist making the changes necessary to prosper in the new life situation that divorce imposes on them. In other words, the problem is resistance to change.
This are good news.
We know of resistance to change and there is a roadmap to follow to dissolve it. In addition, the process of dissolving resistance to change also addresses the emotion-based issues raised by the other two approaches to divorce recovery.
Divorce recovery unfolds in three stages:
(1) STABILIZE your emotional reactions to your divorce and your ex;
(2) RELEASE your fear of an unknown future and your anguish over your losses; Y
(3) PREPARE for your next committed relationship so you don’t get divorced again.
Within these stages are the 10 steps in a roadmap to recovery. Each step is designed to identify and address a unique core issue of the divorce transition process that threatens your recovery. Here is a brief description of each of the 10 steps.
The First Stage: Stabilize Your Reactions to Ddivorce
At this stage, it begins dissolve emotion-based reactions you are having with the divorce, with your ex, and with your current life after the divorce. You also begin to reduce your attachments to “how life used to be.” The steps of the first stage are:
Step 1: Get rid of your ex. You are entering a new and exciting phase of your life. Now is the time to take stock of your reactions to your current life after the divorce and begin to separate your life as it used to be from the life it is now becoming.
Step 2: Acknowledge the trauma caused.Divorce is a traumatic incident in your life. You must identify what was injured and treat it to prevent it from defining the rest of your life. As Marcia Salmon points out, “divorce is an incident, not a lifestyle.”
Step 3: Accept your ambivalence. You didn’t marry your ex because you hated him. There were good times. There were also not so good moments. Getting divorced causes ambivalence and doubts that need to be identified and dealt with.
Step 4: Clarify your goals for the transition. In the vast majority of cases, people choose goals for their divorce recovery that are virtually guaranteed to fail. What you need are goals that lead to a successful life after divorce.
The second stage: dissolving the reluctance to accept your new life situation
At this stage you remove barriers to a successful transition. One barrier lodged in the past is his reluctance to give up the good things he enjoyed from his past life with his ex. The other barrier, linked to the future, is the fear of the unknown, the fear of not knowing what the future will bring. Working together, these two barriers create extraordinarily strong resistance to change. At this stage, you dissolve this natural resistance and remove your reluctance to accept and embrace your new life situation. The steps of this stage are:
Step 5: Dissolve the Effects of Fear. Fear of an unknown future keeps us trapped in the past. You must reduce that fear in order to embrace your future with hope and happiness.
Step 6: Dissolve the effects of the loss. All life transitions, desired or undesired, result in some loss. divorce is no different. However, almost all of us think that we have lost more than we really have. Don’t be sad if you didn’t lose it.
Step 7: Complete the relationship with your ex. All relationships end with important things left unsaid. Finding out what those things are and dealing with them frees you to move forward without the baggage that divorce creates.
The third stage: prepare for your future
At this stage you take what you have learned from the divorce process and imagine a new life which is satisfying and rewarding. The steps of this stage are:
Step 8: Prepare for a relationship. A successful relationship requires that you get what you need. You must engage your head as well as your heart if you want your next committed relationship to succeed.
Step 9: Recalibrate your life and create the new you. Divorce offers you an unprecedented opportunity to redefine who you are and how you want to live the next chapter of your life in the most personally meaningful way. Your challenge is to take this opportunity to start over with a clean slate.
Step 10: Use the past to plan your future. Now is the time to take what you have learned and lay out your road map for a happy and productive life after divorce. As Antoine de Saint-Exupéry said: “A goal without a plan is just a wish.”
So what is the point?
You have been given an unprecedented second chance at a happy and fulfilling life. Statistics tell us that without a roadmap to guide you through your resistance to change, that opportunity is doomed. However, if you follow the roadmap outlined in the 10 steps above, you have an excellent chance of turning what was the worst experience of his life into the best thing that ever happened to him.
