The broken pieces of my heart came out with my tears at the thought of you … Bonnie Hutchins
This article was inspired by my daughter Bonnie, whose idea was for me to write about a brother’s pain. Instead, I decided to interview her and here I share her heartfelt and inspiring responses to what it means to her to lose a brother. She describes herself as one of the forgotten victims.
Bonnie, can you briefly tell me about the circumstances surrounding the loss of your brother?
I got a phone call early on a Saturday morning telling me that Stuart had been in a car accident. My first reaction was to worry, but I remember thinking, “In the worst case, he will have broken his leg.”
I met my family in the hospital and I saw Stuart, I knew at that moment that he was going to die. From then on, I focused all my energy on taking care of Stuart and doing what was best for him. Five days later we disconnected his life support.
How did that loss affect your life?
It changed the way I looked at things a lot. I found it much more difficult to be sympathetic or sympathetic to what I felt were trivial concerns. Compared to losing Stuart, everyone else’s problems felt trivial. Over time, I have become more understanding of grief, people’s own grief at loss, and how I deal with certain issues. Before Stuart died, I didn’t trust my abilities to be a strong and confident person. Losing it, I realized that if I can deal with it, I can deal with anything.
What was most helpful or comforting to you during that initial period of grief?
For me, I concentrated on other things. I had a young daughter who struggled to deal with my pain. Instead, I found life driving without really allowing myself to cry. I found that practical things helped the most. Saving and posting lots of photos of him, talking to friends and even having his medical records reviewed. This wouldn’t help everyone, but it did help me know that my decision to fight for Stuart’s life support to be turned off was the right one. Was. Even now, 4 years later, I know deep down that the way I have grieved has not been the most productive and I often feel the need to cry. The time will come, for now I feel glad I regretted as much as I could, and to the best of my ability at that time.
What did you find least helpful or caused you the most concern or distress?
After a while, certain things added to my sadness. Milestones, watching other little siblings grow up, and even simple TV shows he couldn’t watch. They are all the things that I have learned to adapt to. A lot of how it hurts me is in private, so at times I felt bombarded with everything. People ask how he was? Or actually completely forgetting myself and wondering how Mom and Dad were doing. As a brother, sometimes you forget everything.
Was there one aspect of the duel that was particularly difficult for you?
I was very guilty. As a brother, love is often unspoken. I felt tremendous guilt for how I had treated my younger brother. I made fun of him growing up and felt very guilty about it. Also guilty of not calling him long enough to see or support him enough. All of which I see now as completely normal. When a brother dies, you automatically feel like you didn’t see him enough, or you didn’t talk to him enough, or maybe you treated him badly. You did not do it. You just had a normal sibling relationship, only now, you’ve been cursed in hindsight. That’s another reason why I tell my loved ones that I love them almost every time I think about it. I don’t want to get the “should have done it” feeling again.
Grief is acceptance. A lot of that is accepting the sibling relationship you had for what it was and knowing that you loved them and even if it wasn’t said, they loved you too. Once I really accepted that our relationship was what it was and we did the best we could at the time, and once I accepted that Stuart knew he loved him (which all siblings, I think they know), I was on my way back. to be happy.
Do you feel that the loss of your brother has changed you or how you see life? If so, how?
Yes a lot like that. I see the loss of my brother and the pain that accompanies it as some kind of illness, like diabetes. You can treat it, but it is not curable. Pain and loss are always with you, but you find ways to “deal with” them. Losing my brother is a big part of who I am and how I got to where I am. I love the people I love the most and make sure to tell them more. I appreciate the simple joys in life, whereas before I died, I know that I took them for granted. I now have a deep understanding of my own strength and the strength of our family. Going through the loss of someone so special changes you, and that a family survives and survives the loss, makes them closer. Anyway, he did it for us.
What do you think has helped you the most in your grief in general?
Support and understanding: I remember feeling sorry for my friends and extended family because they just had no idea how to help or what to say. Then there were the people who didn’t say anything. If I cried, they just hugged me. If he needed to talk, they just listened. A grieving person doesn’t need much, just to know that they are not alone. I got a lot out of that and it was the thing that helped the most.
I also found my own way to honor him. I got his name tattooed on my wrist, I have a special Christmas ornament to take out every year, so he is with us. And I make sure my daughters get to know him and recognize his continuing importance in my life and theirs.
What would you say to another person who is dealing with the loss of a brother or sister?
Cry as you can. If you don’t feel ready to cry but want to scream, that’s fine.
Talk to your other brother if you have one. They understand.
Do not forget. If you need help or need a hug, you still have your parents and you are still their child. Tell them.
Do special things. Write down your favorite memories. Post photos. Plant a tree. Get a memorial tattoo. Whatever makes you feel close to you … they are.
