The art of conversation, something most men struggle with.
As a man, I know the insecurities most of us feel. We want to be recognized for our talents. We want people to think that we are interesting, smart, attractive, fun and funny. We want people to think that we are successful. But mostly it comes down to the same thing: we want to feel significant.
But what does all this have to do with conversation?
Here’s the problem: Most guys are desperate to get noticed and get people’s credit all day long. So they’re always trying to fit into the conversation details of the awesome things they’ve done, the money they’ve made, the places they’ve been, the girls they’ve slept with, the people they’ve put in trouble. his place… you. get the idea.
So it is impossible for them to vibrate.
Vibrate is where you are sharing a feeling in a conversation. It is a shared understanding of a subject, where both feel the same way. When both parties feel that the other party understands their point of view and really understands where they are coming from, it feels like a good rapport and a connection emerges.
When two people feel this way about another on a wide range of topics, this is where they have a strong and lasting friendship. When the attraction is there too, boom, that’s when you have a strong relationship.
Here’s an example of where most guys go wrong. Let’s say someone is telling you about a recent vacation:
Oh yeah, I went to Thailand recently, the beaches were amazing.
Your average man at this point will feel a pang of insecurity: does this person you’re talking to think he’s good because he’s been there? I’ve been to better places than that, I have to show you!
And he responds with:
Yes, those beaches are great, but you should visit Mauritius! Those beaches kick ass in Thailand!
And then the first person feels a little off. All he wanted was to share his excitement about a recent vacation, but the average man thought it was a contest he had to win.
It may have ‘won’, but it took the mood out of the conversation.
The best way to vibrate is to share similar experiences, without competing. Validate the other person’s experience and use your own experience as a way to prove your point. So in this way, they feel that you understand and agree with them, instead of trying to beat them in an imaginary competition.
Here’s an example of a good answer:
Yes, I remember going to the Maldives once, and I remember how surprised I was by the difference between the white sand beaches there and the average beaches elsewhere. There’s a feeling you get when you feel so chilled and relaxed in a place like that, it’s like your worries just float away, you know? Anyway, tell me more about the beaches in Thailand, they sound amazing.
Look what you’re doing here. You are sharing your personal experience. This does a couple of things: it shows you understand where they’re coming from, which makes them feel more connected to you and relaxed in the conversation (the more the other person thinks ‘wow, he’s just like me’, the more relaxed they’ll be). he will be with you.
And you are not competing with the other person; at no time are you invalidating their experience by suggesting that yours was better. You’re comparing a shared experience to gain rapport, then you bring them back into the spotlight to tell a little more about their story.
Try this technique the next time you’re in conversation. Basic steps:
1) The person tells you something about something they did
2) You reply with a story or the like that shows you understand and have a shared experience. Don’t suggest for a second that your experience is better than theirs. It’s all about sharing a vibe, remember.
3) Bring attention back to the other person and encourage them to tell you more
This is a technique I use over and over again. Girls very often tell me ‘I feel so comfortable with you’ – this is part of the reason.
