Many wives at least have the fleeting idea of getting close to the other woman in the affair. This is usually because they want information from her. They want to know what happened and why. They want to know what information the husband provided about the marriage and the wife. They want to know the relationship status now. And they want the other woman to know the truth. They want her to know that yes, her husband had a wife and a family and that now, because of the other woman’s selfishness, all of that is in danger.
These thoughts are understandable. It is completely natural to be curious and angry towards her. It is completely natural to want to confront her with these feelings. But not all wives put this into practice. Many are afraid of what they may discover. Others are afraid of what they might do if they actually came face to face with this person. That is why some are intrigued by social media or email forms of communication. That way it’s easier to get out when things go wrong and at least you don’t have to look at her.
Someone might ask, “Actually, I found the other woman (whom my husband has been cheating on) on Facebook. From there, I was able to get her work email. Of course, my husband doesn’t want me to contact her. But I think part of it is that she’s afraid of the information I might get.She claims she’s afraid she’s trying to hurt me emotionally because she says she can be mean and vengeful.She also says she’s not happy with him breaking him.I’m a girl big and I can handle it if she’s less than nice to me. But I’m not sure if she’s going to give me the information I want. Still, does it really hurt to try? Should I email her?”
I will be honest and admit that I never encourage a wife to contact or confront the other woman. The reason for this is that I never really see it doing any good. These two women often want very different things from this transaction. The other woman may get defensive. The wife may be outraged. More often than not, neither has heard good things about the other. Under these circumstances, it can be very difficult to have a productive conversation. And frankly, sometimes when the other woman senses that you want information, that’s when she realizes what her coin is and that’s when she decides to keep that information under wraps.
Most of the time, she’s determined not to give you what you want. And that can leave you more frustrated than when you started. Some wives have even told me that they lied outright or actively tried to hurt the wife or cause more conflict. Who needs that in their life? Who wants to invite more pain into an already painful situation?
With that being said, I understand why this option is tempting. You feel you need information. However, in my experience, there is a better way to get accurate information without actually letting this person into your life. Often a trained counselor can provide the information she needs from her husband. This way, she doesn’t have to stoop to asking someone who has hurt her so much for something that she might not give him. When you do that, you put her in a position of power. This is why she would never recommend emailing him (although I know some people really can’t resist). I understand that sending an email allows for more distance than a face-to-face meeting. So I understand the draw. But it also requires a lot of discipline. Because if she starts off with hurtful or destructive texts or emails, she’ll need the discipline to not only delete them, but also to ignore her if she continues to try to communicate with you. What if she starts emailing you every day with nasty comments? (Because when you reach out to her, she now has access to your contact information. It’s a 2-way street.) I’m sure there are some wives who have the kind of discipline to ignore her, but I don’t think she would have. My emotions were so raw at the time.
