Forgiveness after an affair is a huge milestone that not everyone can offer. Many choose to forgive in order to free themselves from the anger and despair that often brings the aftermath of infidelity. But some are disappointed to find that even after forgiveness, they still don’t feel exactly the same way about their spouse.
I heard from a wife who said, “My husband had a six-month affair with his ex-fiancée. This nearly destroyed our marriage and family. For a long time, I couldn’t even bear to look at my husband, let alone try to mend things.” things with him. He lived with his parents for a while. But over time, I saw how much this hurt my children and I felt compelled to give him a chance. Once we started working on our relationship, I decided I wanted to offer him forgiveness just because my constant anger was hurting me more than him. I wanted to let go of all the anger because carrying it was such a heavy burden. And I felt better once I forgave him. “There was a real sense of relief and hope that our family would recover. It’s been four months since then and I’m starting to have doubts. I realize that I no longer feel the same way about my husband. I admitted this he told him the other day and he didn’t understand why he said he thought I forgave him. forgive him. But that doesn’t mean his affair hasn’t damaged our marriage or changed how I feel about him. I find myself noticing every one of his flaws. I find myself criticizing it in my own mind. I still want to save my marriage, but I have no idea if it will be possible. I’m not sure I want to marry someone I’m no longer in love with and who I don’t respect. Do the feelings ever come back? Are they gone forever?”
While I have no way of predicting the future (as the recovery of a marriage is based on many factors), I could tell this wife that feelings can and do come back if she can finally heal and has a little patience. This does not happen to all wives or to all marriages, but it does happen to many. I will discuss this below.
Sometimes, you try to recover feelings based on a marriage that is no longer the same: Probably one of the most common questions I get is some variation on “when will my marriage get back to normal?” Or “when are things going to feel like they used to?” These questions are often based on the assumption that you are going to have the same marriage that you had before. In my experience, an affair or infidelity changes your marriage in some way. This doesn’t always have to be devastating. In some ways, an affair can shake up your marriage and even improve it in some way. So your marriage may not be the same, but sometimes it’s better. And I believe that couples who accept that they will have a new marriage (and that it is up to them to make it stronger and better) recover faster and in more meaningful ways.
This is also applicable when you rely on your own marriage to restore the same feelings. You may have to accept that you will have to make new memories and have new experiences. In a way, you have to rebuild from scratch because you are rebuilding trust and intimacy and reforming the foundation of the relationship all over again.
This is a time when things can feel different and strange. And this can be true even if you still love your spouse or are committed to your marriage. Their relationship just took a hit. It is normal to feel this way. A natural reaction to pain is insecurity and doubt.
Try to focus on things that will help restore feelings. But don’t rush and get help if you need it: Sometimes couples get into the habit of constantly wanting to talk about what went wrong before and after the affair. And solving your problems is something that you should not overlook. But at the same time, you want to give your marriage a chance not to buckle under the weight of all the negativity. You have to find the balance between working on your problems and rediscovering yourself with fun activities that allow you to bond and create new memories that are clearly your own.
Unfortunately, you cannot speed up this process. No matter how committed you are, recovery just takes patience, time, and effort. It takes time to see that your spouse is so honest, trustworthy, and transparent that you feel safe to feel love for them again.
Many times I think that feelings take time to return because we build walls around ourselves for fear that they will hurt us again. Once trust is restored, you will often be more willing to go back to being open and vulnerable. And, when this happens, you may find that the feelings are returning.
Finally, there’s no shame in getting help if you feel like you’ve been more than patient and still aren’t seeing enough progress. Counseling helps some couples. Self help helps others. And, some find that they simply need more time.
But to answer the question posed, yes sometimes feelings can be delayed even with forgiveness. And yes, sometimes they do come back, even if they feel a little different at first.
