Sometimes I hear of people admitting to an inappropriate relationship that hasn’t gotten physical yet. This can be very confusing because it can look like you are cheating when technically you are not (at least physically). Many people in this situation admit to having very deep feelings that can certainly seem 100% real. Some even believe that they are “in love” with the other person, but may wonder if this is possible when the relationship is not physical.
Someone might confess, “I know this is going to sound stupid, but I feel like I’m cheating on my husband when I’m really not, technically at least. Still, I’m pretty sure I’m in love with a coworker. I’ve been working with this person for five years, but our relationship changed about a year ago when we partnered at work. We had to navigate a very stressful situation and we came to support each other. We spent a lot of time together and have had some very interesting and intimate conversations. I feel strongly that this person knows me much better than my own husband. Increasingly, I no longer discuss this man with my husband because I feel it is not right to do so. My boss has been talking about separating us and give us new partners and that’s when I realized I’m in love with this guy because the thought of not seeing him every day is almost more than I can bear My best friend says q I think this is an emotional thing, but I’m not sure it’s because I don’t know if he feels the same way. I know I’m very important to him and I know he doesn’t want to end our working partnership, but I’m not sure if the romantic feelings are there on his part. When I told my friend that she had a crush on this person, she said that was ridiculous since we had never held hands, let alone kissed or had sex. She said that he’s just an emotional crutch and I need to get this over with before he ruins four lives. I know the other man would never leave his wife. He is too involved in his children. But I love him. Strangely, I still believe that I love my husband too. Is my friend right? Can’t it be love if it’s only emotional and not physical?”
I have no doubt that it can feel like a very intimate love. And honestly, I don’t think it really matters how you define it. I don’t think it matters one bit if you call it love or something else. I think what really matters is how you proceed in this moment. Because right now, you’re not at the point of no return yet. Yes, deep down in your heart you know that this relationship is wrong and that it has become too close for you to be comfortable with. But as of now, this hasn’t crossed the threshold of being a full-blown physical affair where you’re having sex with someone else. Trust me when I say that this is an extremely difficult thing to recover from.
I know it will be painful, but I don’t think it’s a bad idea to allow the job transfer to happen. I’m not sure how good it would come from continuing to work with someone you think you’re in love with. At worst, he will cross the line and physically cheat. At best, you’ll get deeper and deeper into this, so it will only hurt more when it’s over. If you still love your husband and are committed to your marriage, then the best thing to do is end the other relationship. Yes, you think you love the other man, but there is another man you love too: the man you got engaged to and married to.
Since you seem to be sure that the other man will not leave your wife and that you love your husband, there is really no advantage to continuing this working relationship. I know he’ll miss the emotional support and connection, but it’s best to seek that from his spouse anyway. It might be a little easier if you try to imagine your spouse in the situation you are in right now. If her husband was working with someone he thought he was in love with, would you want him to continue or stop, come back to you and invest in your marriage? I think if you honestly answer those questions, your path might be a little clearer. I applaud you for seeing the danger in this situation. Many people don’t stop to assess until after the issue has become physical and the damage is done. You have the power to stop this before it can irreparably damage your marriage.
