We were at my in-laws’ house one night when my oldest daughter, who was then about 4 years old, made a very polite request.
“I want to write a letter to Uncle Craig,” he announced. “Can I have an antelope, please?”
I recalled this incident a few weeks ago while on a business trip to Brazil. I was having dinner with two colleagues at General Prime Burger, an American-themed (and strangely British-themed) casual restaurant in a very upscale shopping center in Sao Paulo. It’s the kind of place where one of the advertised promotions is the Milk Shake Festival and where, during our visit, a boisterous birthday party for an elementary school boy and apparently his entire neighborhood wasn’t going to bother anyone. .
Two smartly dressed young mothers sat at a nearby table with three girls, who appeared to be around 3, 5 and 7 years old. Actually, the mothers sat at the table; most of the girls wandered around the restaurant. They watched the boy’s birthday party, checked the kitchen where the dishes received their finishing touches, visited the host’s booth, and headed to a corner where a television was showing cartoons. Their mothers watched from a distance but never moved.
In the United States, we may find this lax, rude, or even risky parenting style, especially given Sao Paulo’s reputation as a dangerous city. But the mothers weren’t doing anything wrong. The mall itself, like most of these places in Brazil, has strict security and children were never going to go through the host booth at the only point of access to the restaurant. Inside that burger joint, those three girls enjoyed more freedom, security, and autonomy than most of the other 25 million people in Sao Paulo at the time.
I met the girls when I got up to go to the bathroom. General Prime Burger has one of those modern arrangements where sinks are shared by both genders in a common area outside of the bathrooms. While waiting for the men’s room to be free, the older girl led the two younger girls to the women’s room. When he came out, he reminded the youngest to wash his hands.
The 3-year-old couldn’t reach the sink, so the 7-year-old picked her up. That’s when I got involved, using my limited Portuguese to ask if I could help. I turned on the water for them while doing so.
It turns out that a 7-year-old girl in Brazil looks a lot like the women I’ve lived with at home for the past few decades – she’s perfectly comfortable giving me orders.
“Sabonete” (sab-on-ETCH), he ordered. I put some soap on my hands and passed it to him. He rubbed the little boy’s hands.
“Paper,” he said next. I took out a paper towel and handed it to him. He dried his partner’s hands and led her to the restaurant without saying another word. As far as she knew, handing out soap and paper towels was my main occupation. (I’m sure if her mother had been within earshot, she would have reminded the older girl to call me “obrigada”, the feminine form of gratitude. I have always found Brazilians to be very polite).
As the girls walked away, I realized that after 17 years of making more or less annual trips to Sao Paulo, I now speak Portuguese at roughly the level of a 3-year-old Brazilian girl. God knows how many times I have inadvertently asked for an antelope or its equivalent without realizing my mistake because someone had the grace to decipher what I meant.
Of course, most parents see it as our job to correct our children when they make such mistakes. We don’t want our children to grow up believing that antelope is delivered by the United States Postal Service, or that strangers are waiting outside bathrooms to deliver soap and paper towels. A clever parent will issue the correction (“Write the letter now and we’ll find an envelope when we get home”) in a way that does not undermine the child’s self-confidence and initiative, or the desire to explore a hamburger. joint with friends and siblings.
This approach, which I learned from my experiences with my two daughters, has now seeped into my working life as a company president and as a financial advisor. At work, I consider my role to be to create a safe space in which my employees can do their best work and grow professionally, by developing procedures to ensure that their mistakes, and mistakes are inevitable, small, caught and are opportunities to learn. .
Similarly, when working with clients who have businesses or other assets to pass on to younger generations, I try to help develop structures that promote family safety, growth, and harmony. I do not advise clients to try to prevent their heirs from making mistakes; I just want to keep the mistakes manageable so they can help the young generation grow.
It is amazing how much we learn from our children as we teach them the difference between antelope and envelopes.
