Sometimes I hear from wives who feel they have been betrayed more than once because of their husband’s affair. It’s bad enough when you know that the person you love more than anyone betrayed you. But, it can be multiplied if you know that other people (especially friends) also knew about the scam and didn’t tell or warn you. And this whole process can make you feel very isolated and quite alone.
I heard from a wife who said, “I found out five weeks ago today that my husband had an affair with a woman at work. I am very close with many of his co-workers because we work in the same industry. In fact, I would like to consider many of those women my very close friends. We have lunch together at least a couple of times a month. The other day, my husband and I were once again discussing his affair. And I asked him who knew about his affair. many people did. They knew, including my friends from their office. I felt like someone punched me in the stomach. I valued the friendship of these women, and yet they never gave me any notice or warning. In fact, at a luncheon Recently we were talking about our marriages and I told them that my husband had been distant. Actually, I was hoping one of them could talk and tell me about a problem he was having at work or something. Well, his problems They were work-related okay about the matter, but no one said anything. All these women remained silent and made sure that he continued to cheat. Now that the matter has come to light, a couple of these women have called me and left apologetic messages. I don’t even lame. I don’t want to talk to them. And yet I feel so alone. What should I do?”
This is a difficult situation that many women go through. After all, a lot happens in the workplace. Therefore, it is rare that no one other than the two people involved are aware of the matter. Many women deal with the fact that their mutual friends knew about the cheating and didn’t say anything. The wife often wonders if all these people looked at her with pity, and of course, this hurts her even more. I think it’s very important to put this in the proper perspective so you don’t continually get hurt.
Understand why people may remain silent: I’m not really trying to excuse this behavior. I’ve had to deal with this myself and I know it hurts. But if you were to talk to co-workers who are stuck in the middle of an affair, they’ll often tell you that they hesitated to get involved for multiple reasons. The most common reason is that they don’t want to hurt you. They will also say that they hesitated to get into the business of someone else’s marriage. And many worry about how this could affect their jobs. Therefore, understand that there are valid reasons why people will want to stay out of someone else’s marriage.
Understand that it is you who decides how you want to address each person: I want you to understand that you can make the decisions about how you want to live your life. It is your right to assess each person’s betrayal and respond accordingly. After some time has passed, you may decide that you can be in a relationship with some of them but not others. You may decide that it is healthier for you to simply cut ties with each one. And, if you have a support system outside of this, then it certainly can be an option. But my concern is that many wives isolate themselves completely because they feel they have no one to confide in. They can almost feel as if other people are almost approving of the affair by not talking about it.
While I can understand why she might feel this way, I don’t agree that people who didn’t talk tolerated the affair. They were often caught in a difficult situation where they weren’t sure what was going to save them pain. It’s your right to ask them why they may have done this or tell them how you feel if it will make you feel better, but I suggest you don’t cut people out of your life who might otherwise be supportive or offer comfort or strength. Dealing with the aftermath of an affair is painful and lonely. You need friends right now. And sometimes, it’s hard to trust others because you’re not sure what’s going to happen to your marriage. These friends already knew about the matter, so the dilemma was over. They know exactly what you’re going through.
Like I said, it really is your right to be the one to decide what happens with these relationships. You may decide that it is healthier for you to leave them behind. Or, you may decide that it is not in your best interest to isolate yourself and get rid of people you have been friends with. Both decisions are valid. It really depends on what you feel will be the healthiest for you. But I suggest that if you are going to distance yourself from these friends, make sure you have someone else to offer you support. The worst thing you can do is isolate yourself completely.
