By now, everyone knows (or should know) how important communication is in a relationship. However, it’s not just about letting your partner know what you’re thinking, it’s as much, if not more, about listening to what they have to say. Remember, what many people seem to miss about communication is that it is a two-way street. And does anyone remember the rules for crossing any street, which we all learned as children? STOP, LOOK AND LISTEN.
Stop – It is very difficult to have a conversation with someone who is not paying attention to you. It’s just as hard for you to understand what someone else is saying when you’re not paying attention. So if one or the other of you is engrossed in reading a book, watching TV, or even doing something worthwhile and necessary, like housework or taking care of the kids, while the other is trying to communicate with you , it’s probably not going to be very effective.
So stop what you’re doing and listen. If you’re doing something really necessary, politely ask your partner if you can have the conversation another time. With our busy lives, sometimes it’s impossible to find time to talk. That’s when you make time to talk. Set aside time each day to talk to each other. Sure, some things are important, but some things are more important.
Look – It is proven that you get more out of what someone says if you look at him while he speaks. You can read their body language and, in fact, you can hear them better if you face them when they speak. It also lets them know that you are paying attention to them, which in turn will make them more candid, open, and honest with what they say. It will also make them feel like communication is a two-way street and will benefit the relationship as a whole.
Listen – The other two steps are just a preparation for the most important step of all. Really listen to what the other person says. You want to get an idea of what’s going on inside your partner’s head, right? If you’re just processing what they have to say and formulating your responses, you’re not listening. Or, if you’re simply waiting for a break in the conversation to air what’s on your mind, then you’re not listening. You may be listening, but you are not listening.
Now, if something your partner says needs clarification, or you just don’t understand what they’re saying, sometimes it’s okay to politely ask them to pause and explain what they mean. Not only will you gain a greater understanding of your partner’s thoughts, but you will show him that you are really listening.
There will be a point in the conversation where it’s appropriate for you to speak your mind or respond to what your partner has said. It’s hard to put a finite definition on what that point is, but as you learn to communicate effectively with your partner, it will become obvious to you. If you’re really inept or unsure how to communicate effectively, maybe some structure in the beginning will help open up the lines of communication. I’ll talk about this in another article on another day.
Just remember that your partner’s thoughts, feelings, and dreams are at least as important as your own. Effective communication is a two-way street, so remember kids… STOP, LOOK and LISTEN!
