I remember shortly after losing my father I felt angry. But why? I have asked myself this question many times in my life, usually after the death of someone I loved. Here are some things I learned on my journey of self-discovery.
Sooner or later, they all leave, or die.
This is one of the truths that we all must finally come to terms with. We will lose people throughout our lives. Some of those losses will sadden and enrage us, while others will not. I had to wonder why this is true and I learned that it has a lot to do with our connections to the person we have lost.
When my father died, at first I was very sad, but then I got angry. How could he leave us? How could I stop fighting and die? Why didn’t you get any treatments before? Why? Why? WHY? This was the most difficult time for me regarding this situation. I was a newlywed with a mother and four younger sisters who depended on me for help. Soon I began to see that my questions were somewhat irrational. After all, Dad didn’t make the decision to die and leave his family, did he?
I realized that he was angry that he left me to take care of my siblings and my mother alone, and he would not be there for me! Yes, he was angry about our selfishness. Dad left me to fend for myself throughout my life. Without your help, guidance and understanding. He was completely mad, mad at GOD. It just wasn’t fair!
But soon the anger left me as life progressed and it wasn’t until I lost my husband a few years later that this horrible anger resurfaced. I quickly recognized the symptoms. Feelings of abandonment, loss of support, and love from the person I planned to spend the rest of my life with. Being forced to be a single mother and something else. This time I was mad at my husband. Why did he refuse to see a doctor even after we begged him to come? This was a case where it would take a long time to stop blaming and forgive him for leaving us alone.
After a while I remarried, but that marriage also ended in loss. Another kind of loss. This time it was the loss of a dream. All she really wanted back then was to be a wife and a mother. Oh, I know it sounds cheesy now, but it’s the truth. This time my marriage was stolen by alcoholism. He came in, grabbed my husband, and destroyed our lives. I never thought I could get a divorce, but alcohol abuse and the violence that goes with it changed my views.
My anger at losing respect for myself by allowing myself to become an abused spouse was debilitating. But eventually I forgave myself for being so weak and vowed never to lose that part of myself again, and I never have. I remarried several years later and this time everything seemed to fit, until …
Cancer took my husband and left me with a thirteen-month-old son and three other children. Angry is probably not the best word. I guess you would say I was furious at God for doing this to me again. How could he leave me like this? And my children? But again, as time went by I learned something. Again I remembered my selfishness. It was one night when my son told me that he felt sad because his stepfather had died because now he could not take him fishing. Talk about the mouths of babies!
It was the slap he needed. Nobody, God, did nothing to me. It was simply that my husband’s time had come. His life cycle had run its course. It was not a deliberate attempt to hurt or destroy me. And I don’t think it was some kind of test. It just was what it was.
Since then I have suffered further losses from family and friends. But now I see that anger, whether short-lived or long-lasting, is actually a natural reaction to having something taken away from you. A reaction to feelings that you have no control, that you will miss something that you valued in your life.
Nobody really knows what happens when we die. We have beliefs, certainly, but as far as I know, no one really KNOWS. With this uncertainty comes fear, and in fear we find a reaction like anger. Yes, anger can be the result of fear. It’s that thing that pumps adrenaline through your bloodstream and prepares you to fight or flee.
But fear can also teach us. If you feel angry after the loss of a loved one, don’t feel ashamed or alone. It is one of the natural progressions through the cycle of pain, just as death is the natural progression of the cycle of life. Look deep into your anger and see if you can just be afraid to live without …
Eventually the anger will fade and bittersweet memories will emerge to take its place … Really! I know, I’ve been there, I’ve done that.
